Lauren, One day, far, far in the future, your two children possibly will have children of their own, and they will read this achingly poignant essay. A light will flip on in their head and heart and they will instantly understand what you navigated that year. And, they will love you all the more. The love you felt from your dad was passed along to your children by you, and they will undoubtedly continue to pass love along. The care and love you gave to your parents didn’t diminish care and love for your children. Rather, it modeled so beautifully the depth and breadth of love.
What a lovely essay. Ricky Mouse provided much needed levity in the middle of my quiet sobbing.
A child hollered I NEED MY MILK while I read this.
You and the other Pom writers do something really important with your work, showing me that the chaos isn't what happens while I'm trying to find My Life, but rather the chaos is what My Life looks like. Figuring out the ebbs and flows without pretending they don't happen seems like the journey we're on. Y'all make it look meaningful, a fact I can't see every day on my own.
May your Father's memory continue to be a blessing, and thanks for sharing.
I’m the mom of a 2.5 year old, and I also lost a parent while becoming a parent. My mom was a leukemia survivor, but was then diagnosed with esophageal cancer when my daughter was 6 weeks old. She went through treatment which only made her sick and miserable. I took a leave of absence from work to be with her and to care for my baby, but balancing being a new mom and caring for my own was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You have to choose who you show up for, an impossible choice to make. At one point I had my newborn strapped to my chest, cleaning up her spit up, then quickly running to my mom to clean up hers. On more than one occasion I had my daughter strapped to me while trying to hoist my dying mother out of a bath, and it made her feel so guilty that she cried. That year delivered the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever known. She died when my daughter was 1.5.
Thank you for sharing your story. There aren’t many like it out there, so it was such a treat to relate to someone who experienced the same thing I did! Sending you my love and hugs.
Beautifully written, thank you. My father died of stage 4 cancer while I was pregnant and you've really neatly encapsulated a lot of the strangeness of grieving while parenting.
This was exceptional to read and tore at my heart. I’m 16 months into my two years and flow wildly between finding myself and feeling more lost than ever. My journey differs wildly from yours told here, but thank you.
Thank you for this post. I lost my dad unexpectedly when my youngest son was two weeks past his first birthday. I, too, could feel this normalcy approaching before it happened: I was six months into a new job I loved, the baby seemed more durable, the preschooler more adjusted, the life as a unit of four more habitual. And then everything came crashing down. I have no brain space to focus on my kids anymore, to focus on my partner, to focus on myself. Everything is reconfiguring but nothing has. I so identified with this. I am so sorry for your loss.
This one hit home. My son turned two almost two months to the day after I lost my dad, a loss that seemed sudden and unexpected at the time but in hindsight was almost entirely predictable.
I had been in a new career for just shy of a year at that point, grappling with the realities of commission-only sales after having a highly stressful salaried job. I was grateful for the freedom to finally set my own schedule but also felt incredibly guilty all the time - guilty for "slacking off work" if I chose to spend time with my family, and guilty for not spending time with my family or helping out with dinner/bedtime if I was working. It felt like the idea of a work/life balance was a trap and I almost always felt like I was letting everyone down.
Thankfully I've learned to be kinder to myself now, and I like to think I take a piece of my dad with me wherever I go. It's still hard to tell my son I can't play with him if I have a work appointment, or to miss bedtime, but I know one day he'll understand. Just like I look back with appreciation for my dad, who traveled half of every month when I was my son's age. Now I imagine him down on the floor with us when my son wants to play with his "town", driving Matchbox cars around and doing silly voices.
For me, it was over four years before I felt like I really had a new baseline, a solid footing under me again. And I'm not even the one that had the baby! So I hope you're able to find your comfort zone again sooner rather than later, but don't stress if it doesn't fit the textbook timeline. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can really ask of yourself in any moment.
PS - I've also come to see Instagram as Temu for lifestyles. What we see advertised on there is nothing like reality. 😂
Lauren, One day, far, far in the future, your two children possibly will have children of their own, and they will read this achingly poignant essay. A light will flip on in their head and heart and they will instantly understand what you navigated that year. And, they will love you all the more. The love you felt from your dad was passed along to your children by you, and they will undoubtedly continue to pass love along. The care and love you gave to your parents didn’t diminish care and love for your children. Rather, it modeled so beautifully the depth and breadth of love.
What a lovely essay. Ricky Mouse provided much needed levity in the middle of my quiet sobbing.
A child hollered I NEED MY MILK while I read this.
You and the other Pom writers do something really important with your work, showing me that the chaos isn't what happens while I'm trying to find My Life, but rather the chaos is what My Life looks like. Figuring out the ebbs and flows without pretending they don't happen seems like the journey we're on. Y'all make it look meaningful, a fact I can't see every day on my own.
May your Father's memory continue to be a blessing, and thanks for sharing.
I’m the mom of a 2.5 year old, and I also lost a parent while becoming a parent. My mom was a leukemia survivor, but was then diagnosed with esophageal cancer when my daughter was 6 weeks old. She went through treatment which only made her sick and miserable. I took a leave of absence from work to be with her and to care for my baby, but balancing being a new mom and caring for my own was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You have to choose who you show up for, an impossible choice to make. At one point I had my newborn strapped to my chest, cleaning up her spit up, then quickly running to my mom to clean up hers. On more than one occasion I had my daughter strapped to me while trying to hoist my dying mother out of a bath, and it made her feel so guilty that she cried. That year delivered the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever known. She died when my daughter was 1.5.
Thank you for sharing your story. There aren’t many like it out there, so it was such a treat to relate to someone who experienced the same thing I did! Sending you my love and hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss - you truly have lived it, too, and I am sending you a lot of healing and peace. It's a very hard road!
Beautifully written, thank you. My father died of stage 4 cancer while I was pregnant and you've really neatly encapsulated a lot of the strangeness of grieving while parenting.
I'm so sorry about your dad. And yes, it's so strange and impossible. May his memory be a blessing <3
This says so much so well. Thank you for sharing your grief. I love you more. xoxo
This was exceptional to read and tore at my heart. I’m 16 months into my two years and flow wildly between finding myself and feeling more lost than ever. My journey differs wildly from yours told here, but thank you.
Excuse me while I wipe away a few tears. 😔 Thank you for sharing your life, feelings & grief. Beautifully written. ❤️
Beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this post. I lost my dad unexpectedly when my youngest son was two weeks past his first birthday. I, too, could feel this normalcy approaching before it happened: I was six months into a new job I loved, the baby seemed more durable, the preschooler more adjusted, the life as a unit of four more habitual. And then everything came crashing down. I have no brain space to focus on my kids anymore, to focus on my partner, to focus on myself. Everything is reconfiguring but nothing has. I so identified with this. I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so incredibly hard!
In a few days, it will be the third anniversary of losing my husband's mom. I felt every word of this
I'm so sorry about your mother in law. May her memory be a blessing <3
Thank you for sharing. This was beautifully written.
This is an achingly beautiful essay.
This one hit home. My son turned two almost two months to the day after I lost my dad, a loss that seemed sudden and unexpected at the time but in hindsight was almost entirely predictable.
I had been in a new career for just shy of a year at that point, grappling with the realities of commission-only sales after having a highly stressful salaried job. I was grateful for the freedom to finally set my own schedule but also felt incredibly guilty all the time - guilty for "slacking off work" if I chose to spend time with my family, and guilty for not spending time with my family or helping out with dinner/bedtime if I was working. It felt like the idea of a work/life balance was a trap and I almost always felt like I was letting everyone down.
Thankfully I've learned to be kinder to myself now, and I like to think I take a piece of my dad with me wherever I go. It's still hard to tell my son I can't play with him if I have a work appointment, or to miss bedtime, but I know one day he'll understand. Just like I look back with appreciation for my dad, who traveled half of every month when I was my son's age. Now I imagine him down on the floor with us when my son wants to play with his "town", driving Matchbox cars around and doing silly voices.
For me, it was over four years before I felt like I really had a new baseline, a solid footing under me again. And I'm not even the one that had the baby! So I hope you're able to find your comfort zone again sooner rather than later, but don't stress if it doesn't fit the textbook timeline. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can really ask of yourself in any moment.
PS - I've also come to see Instagram as Temu for lifestyles. What we see advertised on there is nothing like reality. 😂
I'm so sorry for your loss! Thank you for this - I so appreciate hearing others' experiences.
Beautiful but bittersweet. Thank you for sharing.