How To Make A Protein Smoothie (With A Side of Low-Key Panic)

A guest post by Ashlee Gadd.

Despite teaching your sons a dozen times how to make this very simple protein smoothie, they will still insist that you make it better. Please beware their daily requests for this specific smoothie may or may not cause you to spiral into a full-blown motherhood crisis. It is normal to panic. It is normal to question everything. It is normal to wonder, Am I raising these boys … (dramatic pause and/or gasp of horror) …  to become incompetent men? 

Step one: Pour a chocolate protein shake into a blender (whatever is on sale at Costco is fine).  

Ponder your parental liminal space. Your kids are not young: you no longer wipe their butts or worry about them choking on spaghetti. Your kids are also not old: none of them can vote or drive a car. This middle spot—equal parts sweet and chaotic—might spark some new bizarre questions like, How, exactly, do I parent you now? How do I foster independence in you? How do I still enjoy (is that the right word?) the dependence you still have on me? When do I push, and when do I pull? When do I make you the protein smoothie, and when do I tell you to make it yourself? 

Step two: Add a banana. 

Your oldest son has just started high school. Your other son has just started middle school. Everyone asks how you are feeling about The Big Transition. You do not know how to answer this question, so you plaster a smile on your face, shrug a cute little shrug, and admit you are feeling a tiny bit anxious. 

Step three: Add a heaping scoop of peanut butter.

Do some quick mental math. Your oldest will be 18 in four years. Your middle will be 16 by then. Cost of groceries + gas + health insurance x inflation. Realize you are definitely not saving enough money for college. Panic for a few minutes. Is college even worth the investment anymore? What jobs will be AI-proof in 5-10 years? How can I help my kids succeed (that's not the right word) in a world seemingly eager to replace humans with machines?

Step four: Add one cup of vanilla ice cream.

Make an internal checklist of everything you still need to teach your kids. How to properly clean a toilet. How to find a church. How to iron a shirt, build a resume, and firmly shake someone's hand. Do they know that asking for help is not a weakness? That rejection builds resilience? That falling in love is worth the risk? Have I taught them enough? Have I taught them … anything? Suddenly remember that episode of Bluey where Mum says, "Work on their heads later. For now, just hearts.” 

Step five: Add a tablespoon of chia seeds. (Note: do not tell your sons about the chia seeds. They add fiber and omegas and basically disappear into the liquid.) 

Inhale. Exhale. Fill up your mental Target shopping cart. The high schooler is out of hair paste (again). The middle schooler requested beef sticks. Take note that it's been a really, really long time since you've bought them body wash or deodorant. Better check on that …

Step six: Add one cup of crushed ice.

Your boys are 12 and 14, and they already talk about their future lives outside these walls. They dream of getting their driver's licenses, working at Legoland, and sharing an apartment. They consider how many dogs they'll get and how often they'll grab In-N-Out for dinner. Their plans are innocent and simplistic, void of the harsh realities of paying taxes or navigating the American healthcare system or financing a new roof. You try to imagine them at 15 and 17 behind a steering wheel. At 23 and 25 providing for themselves. At 30 and 32 potentially starting their own families. Will they live nearby? Will they visit often? Will they still ask me to make them a protein smoothie when they grow up?

You can't say. 

So for now, for today, you say yes. 

Step seven: Blend to perfection. Serves two. 

Mom Makes It Best Protein Smoothie

Ingredients: 

Add all ingredients to a blender and blend. Serve immediately after school with a better question than "How was your day?" Perhaps—"Who did you sit with at lunch, and what did you guys talk about?" or, "If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?" or, "Hey, how are you liking that new deodorant I bought you?"

Ashlee Gadd is a wife, mother of three, believer, and the founder of Coffee + Crumbs. When she's not working or vacuuming Cheerios out of the carpet, she loves making friends on the Internet, eating cereal for dinner, and rearranging bookshelves. Her book, Create Anyway: the Joy of Pursuing Creativity in the Margins of Motherhood, is available wherever books are sold. You can also keep up with her work on Substack.

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