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The precise level of doneness of a piece of toast that has been toasted in a hotel toaster with no visible numbers on the dial, forcing you to insert your bread and cross your fingers while an entire traveling soccer team harrumphs in impatience behind you.
The national debt in the coming year (do your part and stop buying lattes, houses, and avocado toast! Just kidding, you can’t afford any of that anyway, your older kid needs braces. Mortgage your home toaster and pray.)
The number of times a hummingbird will approach your hummingbird feeder when you actually have your phone camera ready to go so you can take a picture of it.
The release date of Taylor Swift’s next Taylor’s Version album.
The amount of traffic that spontaneously arises out of thin air on the single, solitary day that you manage to get your toddler into the car on time.
The reason for Trump’s next indictment/impeachment/implication in a list of horrific sex crimes.
The reasons the GOP will come up with for excusing Trump’s next indictment/impeachment/implication in a list of horrific sex crimes.
The number of mismatched socks that will come out of your next dryer load, mourning their soulmates who have been lost to the Vent, the Lining of the Machine, and the Crack in the Multiverse.
The next item of women’s clothing that right-wing podcasters will declare is synonymous with moral degradation, the decline of the American family, and the primary arbiter of skyrocketing gas prices.
The next op-ed in The Cut and what we will learn as a society about the devastating effects of social media controversy on the human psyche (options: a) nothing, b) the total collapse of legacy media, yes this post is sponsored by Conde Nast, don’t think too hard about it)
The quantity of goldfish crackers your toddler will drop into the toilet to feed the new imaginary friend that lives there.
The name of the new imaginary friend, which you will be required by your toddler to remember and speak to in rhyming iambic pentameter the next time you are trying to navigate a five-way intersection.
The state of the polar ice caps in the coming year, and probably the state of the penguin ice caps if those exist. Do they exist? You should look it up! You’re awake anyway.
The Spanish Inquisition.
The window of time available to register your older child for a summer camp which costs approximately the same amount as the national deficit, and your own reflexes during that window of availability. Oh, look, it’s over.
Your own wake-up time.
…Just kidding! It’s 5 am. Or 4 am. Or 3! Just like your toddler. EMBRACE IT.
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