Unexpected Costs of Having Children

I'm talking just the essentials, like Nickelodeon slime kits.

A white noise machine that everyone said will soothe the baby:
$25

A roll of bubble wrap which is inexplicably the only sound that actually soothes the baby:
$20/week

The cost of gasoline for driving the baby aimlessly around town between the hours of 12 a.m. and 4 a.m. because it’s the only way he'll sleep:
$15/night

The peripheral costs of walking around Target like a zombie at 7:30 a.m. because nowhere else is open that early and you’ve been up since 4:52 and need to get out of the house before you start screaming into a pillow:
$105/day minus 10% off Cat & Jack graphic tees if you download the TargetCircle app

Two fruit pouches to keep the baby occupied while you zombie around Target at 7:30 a.m.:
Accidentally free, IYKYK

Five munchkins because you and the baby already did your Target outing for the day and you can’t think of anything else to do besides take a little trip through the Dunks drive thru (morning run)
$1.99/day

Five munchkins because you and the baby already did your Target outing for the day and you can’t think of anything else to do besides take a little trip through the Dunks drive thru (afternoon run)
$1.99/day

Grapes:
$3.99/lb x 1.5 lb/day = $41.90/week

Hospital bill for the visit to the emergency room to remove the grape your toddler shoved up his nose:
$1,200 (unless you have health insurance)

Cost of family health insurance so you can get the grape extracted for free: $22,463/year

Groceries to cook one well-balanced family dinner of chicken breasts and roasted squash:
$20

Five Happy Meals because you’re exhausted after a long day and it's just easier, OK???:
Only $20 because you got one free with all the points you’ve accrued from using the McDonald's app so frequently

Themed t-shirt for preschool spirit days:
$7/day, every day

Baby-sitting:
Starting as low as $30/hour for the 12-year-old down the street who has a paper participation certificate from the free community education baby-sitting class

Preschool level gymnastics:
$220 for a 4-week session (parent participation required)

A bulk purchase of Nickelodeon slime kits to bring as a gift to the kids birthday parties that now dominate your every weekend:
$100/month

Scrubbing moldy liquified squash off the bottom of your vegetable crisper after realizing you never made that well-balanced meal you planned:
+675 points on the McDonald’s app, nice!

Youth b-boy classes because your six-year-old suddenly has a passion for breakdancing:
$60/month

New Adidas Gazelles because all the six-year-old b-boys at breakdance class are required to have new Adidas Gazelles for the dance recital:
$100

Tickets for the whole family to attend the dance recital in which the b-boy class will perform for one minute and forty-five seconds:
$175 somehow??

Eggs:
Your entire inheritance from a wealthy great-aunt

Disney+:
$16/month, which you're honestly happy to spend, because you can;t wait to share all your favorite movies from your childhood with the kids.

YouTube Premium because they don’t care about your favorite animated Disney classics, they just want to watch Ryan unbox Power Wheels:
$13.99/month

Power Wheels that wouldn’t have even been on their radar if it wasn't for Ryan:
$350

More ketchup than you could have ever imagined:
$72/month

Realizing you’re never too old to discover what brings you joy:
priceless (plus $60/month for adult b-boy classes)